


Where My Mind Goes

by Mattdoug



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Anxiety, Canon Compliant, Mental Health Issues, Pre-Eric "Bitty" Bittle/Jack Zimmermann, no editing because rip, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-18
Updated: 2019-11-18
Packaged: 2021-02-08 10:10:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21474280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mattdoug/pseuds/Mattdoug
Summary: Jack feels out of it and can't explain why. ft. some actually healthy coping mechanisms
Comments: 2
Kudos: 17





	Where My Mind Goes

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first fic I've written in a long time and I intended for it to be a little vent drabble but it grew into something bigger! This isn't very edited and if there are grammar mistakes please let me know. This is mostly based on my own experiences and writing it actually helped me feel better.
> 
> Some style choices were made to represent the feelings in this, this is not how I write everything I swear
> 
> *The anxiety is mostly some stressful thoughts and this does feature some disassociation*

Jack mentally went through his day so far trying to find an explanation. Practice had gone fine. Nothing was wrong, and the underclassmen were obviously improving with even Bittle getting in some contact. But Jack couldn’t work up a feeling of pride or even content. 

The bed shifted slightly when he turned his head to stare at a new patch of nothing on the wall. When he first sat down his back was rigid a result of thoughtfully taking care of his body for years, but now he slouched feeling increasingly absent from his body. His hands rested next to him unoccupied, a rarity for his chronic anxiety. He tried to continue to unpack his thoughts. 

It’s not an obvious anxiety problem. The feeling of dread was missing instead replaced by numbness. It reminded him of waking up in the hospital after the draft, everyone around him experiencing so much emotion but he was too burnt out to. While his parents talked and cried, he just wanted to fall back asleep. That lit the faintest lightbulb above his head. 

Maybe if he took a nap he would wake up feeling grounded, it was something that had worked when he found himself especially irritated. Despite the widespread idea that Jack Zimmermann works harder than god, he could use some rest. Maybe Shitty would want to cuddle? Jack quickly blocked that idea out, he couldn’t put his problems on someone else now. If he couldn’t take care of himself when he wasn’t even having a problem how could he be expected to be an actual adult?

He sighed and let his back fall on the bed. So maybe he could still feel worry, that was at least something even if it wasn’t positive. Jack crawled to the perfect spot and pulled the blankets around himself. He fell asleep quickly with the lack of any real thoughts distracting him.

\-------

The various loud thumps, hums, and yells of the rest of the Haus going about their business woke Jack up. He wiped at his eyes then looked over to check his clock. Sure enough, it was the point in the day where everybody should be back from class and Jack even missed a class. His stomach dropped as anxiety started to fill his chest. Jack quickly grabbed for his phone hastily texting Camilla for a copy of her notes. They didn’t talk much anymore but were still pleasant and more importantly she wouldn’t tell anyone on the team he missed a class. His thoughts rushed through him.

Fuck! What would the team think if they knew he missed class? Obviously, they would think he’s irresponsible and a mess. It would be just like in freshman year when everyone thought he was a drug-addicted disaster. All that for a nap, and Fuck! He didn’t even feel rested or better, just panicked. 

Feeling panicked was something he could deal with though. Jack sat up and took a few deep breaths. ‘Shitty was there for me then.’ Jack reminds himself. ‘And even if he was a mess the team would still care about him. Look at Bittle he collapses on the fucking ice and he’s still loved.’

Maybe he’s just thinking too much. Jack stood up and put on his fluorescent shoes. He got chirped for them but they were his first decision made entirely by himself after rehab. He decided that being able to run then was a good idea for the same reason he decided to run now. He didn’t need his brain for it, it connected him back to his body, and the empty lungs and sweat of exercise was a reliable comfort for him. 

It was somewhat cold so Jack grabbed a hoodie to go along with the shorts and t-shirt he threw on after practice and began to head out. The door behind him closed a little too loudly and his shoulders involuntarily went up to his neck. Ransom looked up in concern as Jack thudded down the stairs.

“You okay?” Ransom asked.

“Yeah.” Jack managed flatly. Jack’s catalog of scripted conversations hid his emotions a lot better than his body did. Or at least that’s what he hoped as Ransom dropped the conversation either because he believed Jack or just not wanting to start a confrontation. 

The hallway seemed different as Jack walked through. Nothing had changed, the walls were the same and despite Bittle’s best efforts, there was a crumpled solo cup on the ground and a few gross stains. But despite that, it still felt like a set of the Haus instead of the real thing. The kitchen looked normal but contained the same fake energy.

Bittle turned around from his ubiquitous baking and said something with a smile while looking up at Jack in the doorway. Bittle seemed real and full of energy but that was not currently compatible with how Jack was feeling, so he just nodded before turning back to leave for his run. 

Jack’s feet seemed to be in control as he started his jog and he was already on the sidewalk in front of the next house before his brain even started to process he was running. Jack felt each thud of the rubber soles on the pavement but his mind and body still seemed to be floating like they had all day. 

He took a deep breath of the cold air letting the feeling of his chilled lungs connect him to his upper body for a brief moment. Though he was half a block down the street the scent of Bittle’s baking entered him as well. Jack’s lips curled up into a gentle smile on his exhale. 

Jack’s thoughts started again but around Bittle instead of himself. He would probably have to talk to Bittle when he got back to make sure that his lack of response to whatever Bittle had said was not taken as a slight. Bittle would probably ramble on about what he had thought it had meant and offer Jack some of what he had made. Maybe he should start thinking of some chirps to throw at Bittle so he could get that accented laugh and a warm smile. 

Jack turned onto the next street and started to count the rhythm of his steps. His arms seemed to swing in perfect time and even his breath was fairly regulated. Maybe he needed some sun or fresh air because he was already feeling a lot better than he usually did on this point in his runs. He actually started to feel pretty good and actually human. 

He continued to run savoring his newfound wholeness until he noticed the sun going behind the trees. The warm comforting air of the Haus welcomed him back and Jack walked to the fridge to get Gatorade. Bitty looked up from his laptop. It was seated next to a closed textbook and notebook neither of which seemed to be touched since Bittle put them on the kitchen table. 

“How was your run?” Bittle asked.

“Good.” Jack replied grinning slightly. Despite not doing anything obviously productive Jack’s day didn’t actually feel like a waste.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading  
my tumblr is amessnamedwidogast if you wanna check that out :)


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